Boundaries for a Stepmother?
Topic: How to write a plan of action letter
November 20, 2019 / By Lake Question:
My ex and I have been apart for 3 yrs. After we separated, we verbally agreed that I would maintain custody of our 11-yr old son during the wk & he would get him on wkends. My ex is now remarried--since then, his wife has done the following:
- She wrote me a 2-page letter telling me all the things that were going to change concerning my son (i.e., manners, things he was allowed/not allowed to have, etc.)
- She disciplines & sets consequences for my son & is the one to enforce these things, rather than my ex
- She calls me, rather than my ex, to talk about plans/concerns with my son
- She attends parent/teacher conferences in my presence
There's a lot more, but during the 2 yrs they have been married, it seems that she is trying to take over as the mother & is making my son feel resentful towards her in the process. At times he says he likes her, & at others he doesn't. How should I handle this? Is she wrong? My ex supports her actions. Help!!!
Best Answers: Boundaries for a Stepmother?
Isador | 3 days ago
talk to a social worker at social services about an arbitration hearing. sounds like she is way more than out of bounds.
👍 194 | 👎 3
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Originally Answered: I need help to set boundaries with my mom.?
If she's manipulator, she is only manipulating someone who is willing to *be* manipulated.
She doesn't "let" you make decisions? That's not a logical statement. The reality is you have *decided* the consequences of making your own decisions and standing by them are not worth whatever it is she does to get you to comply.
OWN your decisions. That is step one to setting a boundary. You consciously DECIDE what you want to do, then do it fully understanding that your mother is going to throw everything she has into getting you to comply.
Edited to add: I can't make a list for you because things that might bother me might not bother you. You started a list of your own already in giving examples in your question of things you are deciding to let her control because it's easier for you to comply than face whatever she might do to make you comply.
You mentioned finances, and moving with your boyfriend.
there isn't much you can do, now is there? at least about her...but you keep doing what you feel and know is best for your son. If you feel like what she's doing goes beyond caring and love, take it up with your ex, but he appears to be a total wimp, and probably won't change a thing. She's controlling, hopefully most of it is due to a good motivation. There's nothing you can really do for your son, if he's resenting some of her actions. Only if she is abusive or hurtful, harmful can you take any real steps. Best thing to do is to help him understand that she does this because she cares about him.
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she is stepping way over the line.I think that a step parent has the right to discipline the child in her house but thats about as far as I go with my step daughter she already has a mother and i don't want to be her mother because i have two girls of my own and they are my no.1 priority.Its ok for a mom to be supportive and ask about school and care but going to parent teacher meetings totally unacceptable she is not the parent.She has no right making decisions for your child other than his behaviour at her home thats it.She is only making your son very confused.I am a firm believer in the ex sticking up for his new wife but this situation is different she is way over the boundary and I would let her know real quick who his mother is and things are gonna change but not with her son with her.Thats your child don't let some bully push you around because she is so dam# insecure that she wants to control everything.
👍 78 | 👎 1
I am a Step-mother to 2 beautiful girls that I fondly call "my girls". My husband and I are on great terms with his ex-wife but not so great terms with his ex fling. I have a few opinions here... where as she does have some say in how her household is run, she has no say in what you choose for your son in your home. If she does not want him to play video games at her house for example, she cannot tell you to do the same in your house.
My husband and I each have 2 children and we have one together. We have "house rules" that all the children follow. If I "ground" my son for something, when he goes to his Father's for the weekend, I have no say in what he does or does not do there. We do have awesome communication as far as letting each other know if one of the children are being punished in the other homes but then we discuss what will or will not carry over. We keep four different households running smoothly through communication and it is very very difficult.
The unwritten rule is that while step-parents are allowed to offer an opinion it is the birth parent who ultimately makes the decisions. I have bipassed my ex husband and spoken to his wife about our children for conveinence since he is over the road driving truck during the week. My husband and I discipline all the children the same and the disciplinarian is whomever is present during the offense. My husband and I schedule different teacher conferences for our daughter who lives out of town and him and his ex-wife go together for the daughter who lives in town. He also goes with me to my children's conferences and their Father receives a written report by my request. Again because he lives an hour and a half away and drives over the road.
Step-parenting is all about respect. She does not have to like you but she does have to respect you. It sounds to me that she has control issues and dictating your son's do's and don'ts is her way of being in control.
So... yes I think she is wrong because she comes on way too strong. She is approaching this in all the ways that are just gonna piss you off. I love "my girls" like they were my own and their Mom's know this and are grateful. My kids' step-mom loves them as her own and I am so grateful to her also. I would never dictate how they raise their daughters and would never tolerate being dictated to. If she is calling you for plans or concerns, maybe this is her way of saying "I care too, please let me be involved."
You need to invite her over to your house for coffee and have a chit-chat. Be civil and ask her what she feels her role as a step-mom is? Does she have her own children? That could make all the difference. You are in a tough albeit not impossible situation. At 11 years old any "new" rules would be a major adjustment and having 2 mother figures may feel like an old fashioned gang-up... lol Good Luck to all of you.
PS... My son went with me to Walmart tonight and bought his Step-mom a Valentines gift... ouch. I am blessed that he loves her really.
👍 76 | 👎 0
She needs to get her OWN KID! and your ex needs to STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND BECOME A PARENT...But then again I imagine that's why your divorced in the first place. I think this must be awful for your son, as it is tough enough having been through a divorce and now he's has to deal with the STEP MOTHER FROM HELL!
Oh no!! that's got to be a nightmare. You need to set up some type of boundaries. It might be best for all you to sit down and discuss your ROLLS! It might be best for you to gain FULL CUSTODY of your son. I am all for Children respecting their adults etc. but in no way do I agree that someone else should have a say so in what your child should and should not do especially when both biological parents are currently present in his life.
👍 74 | 👎 -1
Originally Answered: Why is my stepmother such a b*tch? Was I wrong for doing this?
She was in the wrong more than you because you written things personally not to be shared at that time - if you ever chose to. Your stepmother shouldn't of even been snooping so she has herself to blame for invading your privacy and your thoughts were an expression of your emotions intended for you at the time. Had you shared it to her intentionally then the adage of: if you cannot say nothing nice don't say nothing at all may come in. But your stepmother has done nothing but made the situation worse and should be the more mature person in this.
She needs to realise you will grow older and she will have less influence over you and the table of power can turn.
Tell her to read this on your computer.
STEPMOTHER YOU ARE TO BLAME!